I can see clearly now. Okay so the title of this post can be a little deceiving. Am I meaning literally, or figuratively? Well, both! I've attached some cutie little pictures of my new glasses from glassesshop.com which I love love love. But thats not really why I am here. I am here because I've been promising my side of the story for far far far too long.
Where do I begin? In an effort to not place blame or throw anyone under any buses (Regina George went through that for us) for anything they've said or done I will do my best to keep this as positive and constructive as I can. With that said, why am I here? I am here to share my hurt & my struggle to hopefully help someone who may be struggling with something similar. I am here to share how I turned my situation into an opportunity for growth.
If you have followed my social media for a while you will know that I was in an on again off again relationship with my baby's dad for a long long time... 3.5 years, but who's really counting? oh me, that's who. We ended our relationship briefly after I gave birth to our perfect little baby! He initiated the end of our relationship because he felt we deserved more than what we had together. That was insane amounts of hard for me to hear, I am the kind of girl who will stay in something & stick it out no matter how hard it may be. And I will give it my all to a fault. Was he right that we had run our course? He was, and I knew then and there when things were ending that it was what needed to happen. That didn't make it any easier, especially as I was stepping into the role of motherhood for the first time. And i was TERRIFIED to do it alone. This new role seemed quite impossible to figure out without the constant support and encouragement of someone who was, in my naive opinion, supposed to be there by my side no matter how hard things were. I will not discredit my baby's dad for his efforts, he did what he felt was his best. Unfortunately, to be frank, his best wasn't good enough for me. This is probably what the main catalyst of our ending our life together was, I always needed more than I was given & I felt that translated in my need as a mother as well.
Months passed & we began getting into a co-parenting groove while still living together (we both agreed that being with our Q for the day to day was important for her and for us to continue to build our relationship with her in her infant state). Just as I felt things were in a smooth easy groove there it was, the truth I had known for a very very long time smacking me right in the face via text. While my baby's dad & I were not together, there was a sense of family that I felt was there as we shared our lives together. Things that were agreed upon when we ended things, yet decided to continue to live together, seemed logical & easy for me to keep on my end. Unfortunately as hard as you try to keep your "family" intact things change, people change and they move on and situations change.
When you have an idea of what your life is supposed to look like and someone else comes into your world to change that idea & to change it's course, it can seem like THE worst thing that could ever happen to you. Losing "MY family," having it break apart in a way that I did not expect and with factors that seemed almost impossible to forgive seemed like something I could not get over. Like ever. I was mad, okay, I was irate. I felt betrayed, I felt stupid, but mostly I was worried. I was worried that my baby wasn't going to have a functioning family. I let that tear me apart for a very very long time. I was sad that I lost my person. I was hurt & pissed at myself for trusting people in my life to hold up their end of our friendship. I talked, and I talked a lot. I shared my frustrations of my situation with anyone who would hear it. I took my feelings to the internet. I said terrible mean things. I cried, a lot. I put blame where it was not intended. I worked a lot. I stopped eating. Yep, I was so upset I was physically ill & could not stomach much of anything. Months of back and forth with this mess, that I helped perpetuate, tore me apart. It continued to tear my now non functioning family apart. I lost so much more than this family I wanted so badly. I lost my life. This thing consumed me, it changed me. While I was in the thick of it I became someone I never even knew I could be. I always did my best to take responsibility for my wrong doings, for the things I said and for the people I often purposefully hurt. I figured if I would hurt anyone involved should get to feel what I felt. I realize now how selfish I was.
After the dust settled, and we all took a step back and took the space we needed, and we all made efforts in healing, things became so clear. At least for me. Sometimes you need to go through the fire of hell and get burned (so many damn times) to become refined. I realize now how miserable I let myself be. I let myself be this miserable by holding on to something that wasn't real. I had this idea of what a family should be. I was so hard on myself for not being able to give my baby a functioning family with a loving mom & dad. But as hard & different as it is, we are a family. Love in this family is not shared by a mom and a dad. Instead all the love we've got is channeled to that perfect baby we share.
I said this changed me, and boy, it did. I went from someone who I thought was strong enough to face anything, to someone I never wanted to be, and now I am someone I can be proud of again. So how in the literal hell did I do it?? Honestly, I don't even know, I just did. I applied a few of the following things to my situation and found my way out.
You are stronger than you think you are. You will be faced with things you never imagined, things you do not think you can face & survive. Your struggles are preparing you for even harder times. The thing you consider the hardest to face will most likely not be the hardest thing you will endure. All of our struggles are preparing us to make it through harder things. You are stronger than you know, do not let the person you are become a person you don't want to be. Do not let your struggles define you.
Be patient with yourself, you are doing your best. Even if your best feels like your worst give yourself credit, and give yourself time, healing sometimes comes slowly. DO not rush your progress. Take it one step at a time.
Be honest with yourself. What do you want? why do you want it? is this worth it? and is this ultimately what you want your life to be? Sometimes we know the truth but are too afraid to admit it, even to ourselves. Ask yourself these questions in whatever situation you are currently in & BE HONEST with yourself.
Silence is golden they say, idk who they are but they are on to something. Sometimes keeping the hurt and anger you have to yourself is the hardest thing you can do. Find someone you can trust and confide in. Talking your mouth off will not help your situation (I'm living proof), it may help you feel justified (it did) and help you to get it out in the moment, but in the end talking, unless it is to the person who you feel said way about isn't constructive. If you don't have something nice to say, definitely don't say it on the internet.
Forgiveness is hard, I am still working on this one. I have a different approach to this one than many would. There is a saying, "forgive & forget." Well I don't entirely agree with this statement. Forgiveness is important & it is mostly for your benefit, when you forgive someone who hurt you, you are able to let go of the hard and hurtful feelings you have. I do not think forgetting is necessary, under one condition, use the remembrance of what was done to you to NEVER let anyone, yourself included, hurt you in that way again. Use it as a tool to build more strength.
Something I wish I would have adapted to this situation as it was unfolding is perspective. I was very caught up in how I was affected, how I was treated, and did not choose to acknowledge that I wasn't the only one with a story. Taking on the perspective of someone who is involved in your struggle can help you gain clarity. Clarity of intention. There are 3 sides to every story, yours, theirs, and what actually happened. Keep that in mind.
If you situation continues to hurt you and you feel there is no way out. Make a way out. We all have a choice, no one is forcing you to stay in your situation. No matter how involved you think you may be, you always always have a choice to move on. Get yourself out of the hurt that is around you. Do everything you can to move on from your situation. Get up and walk away. Whatever that means to you, know that you have the strength to move on.
Now what? Now I move on with my life, the way I should have so long ago. Now I will demand more of that I need and more of what I deserve from everyone in my life. I will continue to work hard to provide and support for my baby & I will do my very best to coparent in a positive way. All I want is for my baby to know her parents have a mutual respect each other, and that we love her so damn much and that's what I am striving for moving forward. I am stronger than I was before, I will continue to be strong, I will be an example of hard work and a strong confident woman so my baby will learn how to do the same. I will strive to be a peacemaker in my home & I will do my best to trust those who haven't earned it.